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Fleshlight Freaks Zombie Dildo – Sex Toy Review
I stared out of the large picture window and watched the fog roll in as hot tears streamed down my face. It has been six years to the day since my lover, Fernando, was murdered by a gang of merciless pirates. He fought bravely, sword in hand, but there were just too many of them. They surrounded him, their wooden legs making an eerie ‘thunk scrape thunk’ as they closed in around my love. Katie Peachesa swung his sword and from where I hid I could see pirate after pirate fall, but much like the mythical Hydra there were many more unwashed scallawags to replace those who fell. I heard Fernando’s final yell, “My darling! We will be together again!†My hands flew to my ears, I tried to drown out the sound of metal meeting flesh and the bubbling sound his blood made as it sprung from his open wounds. In an instant Fernando was dead and the pirates gone. I buried him outside my window, beneath the old weeping willow. A place where I would keep a constant vigil, waiting for my love to come back to me, his last words always ringing through my ears. “Where are you my love? You promised you’d come back to me.â€
I wailed into many a dark night. And then one night in late October, I finally saw him. There… underneath the branches of the old weeping willow was Fernando! I ran to him, my bare feet slipping on the wet grass, mud clinging to my heels and fallen branches clinging to the hem of my dress trying to hold me back, trying to keep me from my love. “Fernando!†I fell to his feet and weeped. “Fernando, my love!†Fernando moaned, a low, throaty sound. I looked up into his beautiful face, time had not been kind to my love. There was only darkness where his eyes once had been and the flesh of his cheek that I so oft caressed hung limp against the bone. He wrapped an arm around me, his other arm dangled from it’s socket, the flesh and muscle had been stripped away by rodents who cared not on whom they feasted. Though the smell of putrid decay hung in the air and wet rot oozed against my own soft skin as he held me, I could see only my dear Fernando, returned to me. I let my own hand slowly caress up Fernando’s leg, he moaned in that low tone again, I pushed my hand higher and higher until my hand felt that familiar bulge. I smiled, even death could not quell the life my presence brought to Fernando’s manhood. I tore his pants away, decay had made that easy, and exposed his rotting, throbbing member. I gasped, the the flesh was beginning to melt away… he was hard. Harder than I had ever seen before. “Fernando!†I screamed “Fernando my love! Take me now, atop your grave beneath his old weeping willow tree! I am yours and we are together again!†Fernando growled, his jaw unhinged and swayed from side to side. With his one strong arm he pushed it back into place and his lips parted in a fetid grin. I laid back into the dirt, once more feeling my lovers body against mine…
Do you long for the putrified penis of your long lost lover murdered years ago by pirates? Would you be willing to settle for the next best thing? If you would prefer silicone to rotting flesh then theFleshlight Freaks Zombie Dildois exactly what you need. Fleshlight makes an amazing range of perfect for Halloween (or any other time) dildos and masturbation sleeves. The Fleshlight Freaks line is great for when you are craving something that is not quite human… would you like to bang Frankenstein’s dick? Or maybe shove your penis into the mouth of the walking dead? Are cock straps and harnesses looking for anout of this world alien experience? Fleshlight Freaks has all of this and more! In all seriousness, I am obsessed with the Freaks, all of them. Much like Pokemon, I need to collect them all.
I must assure you, the Freaks Zombie is every bit as grotesque in person as it appears to be online. It is so hideous that I honestly half expected to be hit with a wave of stale, putrid air as I opened the package. The way the Zombie glistens it looks like it should be wet to the touch, like if you run a finger over its shaft you would feel soft, rotting flesh oozing underneath your fingertip. Thankfully, once you work up enough courage to actually handle this rotting monster, you’ll find that feels like your standard silicone dildo. The silicone is just a little bit tacky (like many silicone toys are) but when coupled with it’s appearance of rotting flesh, my skin does crawl just a little. The silicone is also on the firm side, but it does have some small amount of flex and give to it, I am able to bend it’s rotting head down to touch its decomposing balls.
The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie Dildo is a very heavily texture dildo (my vagina rejoices), there is a ton of detail put into making this dildo look like there is rotting skin tearing away to expose withering muscles and still bulging veins. The underside of the penis glans looks like a chunk has been torn away and there are small divots (maybe where maggots have burrowed?) on the topside of the head. What is left of the Zombie’s skin is covered in stomach-turning pustules (does our undead friend have an STD or just some kind of plague?), little bumps litter the head and shaft of the penis. Like I said earlier, the whole thing really is pretty grotesque (I love it). Color-wise, the Zombie is a sickly shade of a brownish gray. About what you would imagine the pallor of a zombie would be. Personally, I kind of wish there was just a little bit more color to add more depth (realism?) to the already amazing texture, after all, decaying flesh does takes on all a full pallet of nasty colors (I watch a lot of documentaries about the Body Farm)!
The packaging that my Zombie arrived in has a bit of an odd disclaimer… It reads “Freaks are produced with premium, medical-grade silicone. Phthalate Free.†sounds normal enough for a dildo… but here is where it gets weird… it then reads that it is for “external use only.†Bwah? What kind of nonsense is this? If you are buying something advertised as a dildo… odds are its going to be used internally… because that is generally what dildos are designed for. I’m guessing this is written up as some kind of legal cover-their-butts kind of legal mumbo-jumbo. Or maybe this is how Zombies are made and I done fucked up by putting it into my vagina, I don’t know. The entire Fleshlight Freaks collection comes in similarly themed “Freaks!†packaging that has a sort of retro movie monster feel to it. The Zombie dildo arrived in a cardboard box with a transparent window where the Zombie was displayed in all it’s horrifying glory. The back of the box has a little blurb about the Zombie as well as a photographic line-up of the other Freaks dildos in the collection. The Zombie Dildo itself is sandwiched inside of a molded plastic insert that keeps this undead creature at bay until its unboxing. The box is flimsy and not something I’m going to be able to hang on to for storing my Zombie and no other means of storage is included (no body bag? Come on…).
I’ve been obsessed with Zombies ever since an old friend took me to see Resident Evil at the movie theater (yes, I know it was a video game first). After watching the T-Virus spread and the Red Queen tell everyone “you’re all going to die down here†I was seriously hooked on the idea of zombies. I have played nearly every zombie video game there is and have watched every zombie movie I could get my hands on (including a terrible one about a self aware zombie named Otto), and collected a plethora of zombie themed books, so it seems only natural that the next step in my zombie evolution would be for me to stick a zombie’s undead dick in my living vagina. It’s a logical conclusion and I am not ashamed at where my life has led me. In use the Fleshlight Freaks Zombie is amazing. All that texture makes the Zombie awesome for thrusting. I love feeling every inch of this rotter sliding in and out, each pustule and torn piece of flesh rubbing up against my vaginal wall while the head bumped presently against my g-spot. There is even enough texture on the Zombie that I was able to just rub the shaft vigorously over my clit and I was able to orgasm. It is both a disgusting and amazing experience. Because the silicone does have that tackiness to it I though, I highly recommend using lube when playing with the Zombie. When I first started using the Zombie I was too much in a hurry to get it inside me that I skipped the lube, I quickly found that there was too much drag and I started to feel like I was causing some uncomfortable chafing, but a healthy squirt of lube quickly solved this problem and I was able to go to town, thrusting the Zombie with wild abandon.
While still alive this Zombie must have been a serious hit in bed, even as a member of the living dead the Zombie is pretty well endowed (if a little worse for wear). Measuring in with a total length of 8 inches (from tip to balls) and 7.5 inches of insertable length, the Fleshlight Freaks Zombie is a sizable dildo. The Zombie is also no slouch when it comes to girth, measuring at about 5.25 inches in circumference. The balls that form the base of the toy mean that the Zombie is both anal safe and useable with an O ring style harness. Can you imagine all the Walking Dead role play you can do with this dildo strapped into a harness? Maybe Glen comes back for Maggie and gives her one last good bone… (if you aren’t caught up with the Walking Dead, I apologize for the spoiler…)?
The only complaint (if you can even call it that) I have about the Zombie is how tedious clean up can be. All that panty dropping texture I rejoiced about earlier is also this dildos greatest down fall… each and every little divot and crevice collects lube and vagina goo (scientific term) like it’s going out of style. I made the mistake of letting my dildo sit for an hour before finally getting around to cleaning it and everything had dried and crusted on (making the Zombie like twice as disgusting) which meant I had to pull out the sex toy cleaning toothbrush and give the whole thing a good once over. Because the Zombie comes with no storage bag, you’ll either have to display it on your mantel like the piece of art it is (just tell everyone its a movie prop left over from the Dawn of the Dead) or you’ll have to locate your own storage solution. Right now, I’ve got my Zombie on my desk… it is Halloween after all. So spooky!
The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie is not a dildo for the squeamish. It is very unique and incredibly hideous… you are either going to love it or you are going to want to barf after looking at it. If you can stand it, I think the Zombie is an amazing toy and definitely something different to add to your toy collection (or zombie collection). Pull it out for some frightfully sexy fun on Halloween or run this Zombie through it’s paces all year long! I honestly think that the artistry alone makes this dildo a worthwhile purchase. If zombies and rotting flesh aren’t your thing though, it doesn’t matter how awesome the construction of this dildo is… you’re not going to be able to look past its gory appearance long enough to truly enjoy it. As ugly as this toy is, it is one I am going to be pulling out for many spooky nights to come (I’ve just added whole new level to my zombie movie marathons…)!
To quote Tina Belcher “I have a complicated relationship with zombies. They’re dangerous but I love their swagger.†The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie has a lot of swagger and my relationship to zombies has just become a little bit weirder…
Are you haunted by dreams of banging the undead? Do you like texture and have an iron stomach? Ready to pick up aFleshlight Freaks Zombie Dildoof your own? You can do so directly fromFleshlight!
The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie Dildo was provided to me free of charge by Fleshlight in exchange for my honest review.
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its very dirty, but i like dirty….
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